JAXON (The Caine Brothers Book 4) Page 11

  He tucked a finger under her chin and lifted her gaze to meet his. “Are you okay? You look really tired.”

  She leaned back away from his grasp and waved off his concern. “I’m fine. Just a little stomach bug.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes. I’ll drink some ginger ale and take a nap and I’ll be fine. Do you want breakfast?” she asked, changing the subject.

  “Save me some, okay? I want to ride it while I’m on a roll.”

  “I’ll bring you some coffee, anyway.”

  She stood and Jaxon plopped onto his ass to get out of her way so she could head for the door. She looked gorgeous in a short yellow sundress that flipped a little at her bottom as she walked.

  What was he thinking? How would he ever leave her? When he’d started to say he’d fallen in love with her, he’d said it without intending to. It just came out naturally without any thought, because of the truth of it. But now he took it out and thought about it. He really did love her. He’d become so used to living in the same house with her, sharing her bed and meals, laughing and working together that his heart had accepted her as part of him. Part of his life. They fit perfectly together.

  How could walk away from her?

  But how could he walk away from his job?

  It came down to music being his life. It always had been. It was a harsh mistress, but one he couldn’t help serving.

  He went back to his seat, taking the guitar on his lap and fiddling with it, strumming a few chords until a new song started to take form. Excited, he grabbed a clean sheet of paper and went to work.

  ***

  Over the next week, Lily functioned in a heartbroken fog. She and Jaxon still did everything together, except for the time he spent in the music room writing and working. Sometimes she listened at the door. Damn him for being so good.

  They still worked, ate, and slept together. When they made love, she clung to him harder, trying to memorize the feeling of him inside her, and then beside her. Every time was one fewer she’d ever get.

  By the time the harvest festival came around on Saturday, she was a wreck. They hadn’t talked any further about him leaving, so she had no idea what his plans were, other than he had to be in the studio in a little over a week.

  She’d purposely avoided thinking about what her life would be like after he left. Every time the thought popped into her head, she worked harder at whatever she’d been doing, pushing the thoughts away.

  Before he showed up, she’d loved her life. Now that she’d met him, she loved it more.

  She loved him.

  “Is that everything?” Jaxon asked, returning to the kitchen after taking a load of picnic stuff to the truck.

  “Yes. Let’s go.”

  They headed for Hermann Park, Jaxon full of happy energy, chatting and looking forward to the day. Lily didn’t really hear anything he said.

  When they got to the park, the festival lifted her spirits some. All the booths, people, children laughing, colorful flags flapping in the lazy breeze, and the smell of everything barbecue made it impossible not to be grateful.

  Jaxon slung his guitar over his back and helped Lily haul some garden stuff to Summer’s huge booth.

  “There you two are,” Summer said. She wiped her hands on her apron, then hugged them both.

  “Whatever you’ve got going there smells delicious,” Jaxon said

  “My famous chili.”

  Summer’s chili was literally famous in Houston. It had won awards. But today, the smell of it turned Lily’s stomach.

  “Can’t wait to try it,” he said.

  “Jaxon, could you go get that last box from the truck?” Lily asked.

  “You bet.”

  He kissed her cheek and patted her bottom before leaving for the truck. Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach.

  “You look miserable,” Summer said, going back to stirring her pot.

  “Yeah, thanks to you.”

  “Me?” Summer’s voice squeaked with incredulity. “What did I do?”

  “You were the one who suggested I let loose, have fun, sex it up with a stranger.”

  “I stand by that suggestion. You’ve loosened quite nicely.”

  “Maybe. But I didn’t anticipate falling in love with him. And now he’s leaving.”

  “What?”

  “He was only ever visiting for a while.”

  “He should fall in love with you and stay.”

  Lily didn’t say anything, just hung her head and fiddled with the hem of her tank top. Summer’s eyes narrowed as she scented a secret.

  “What are you hiding?” she asked.

  It was only a suspicion, and cold fear filled Lily’s veins every time she considered it. But pretending it may not exist wouldn’t make it go away. Summer was her best friend in the world. If she could talk to anyone, it would be Summer. She looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath, and whispered, “I think I’m pregnant.”

  “What the fucking hell? Are you kidding?”

  “No. Well, I don’t really know, but I’m not kidding about suspecting it.”

  “So now he has to stay.”

  Lily rolled her eyes, even though her heart wished he would. “He’s a famous rock star. You expect him to dump his career to stay here with me?”

  “If you’re having his baby, I do.”

  “I’m not going to use a baby to force him to stay.”

  “You could go with him.”

  Lily snort-laughed. “I’d last maybe ten minutes on the road. I hate hotels, and I’d go into a hot rage every time a woman hit on him. Besides, I’m a homebody.”

  “Oh, right, that giant mansion you live in. It’s so homey.”

  “Home is home.”

  “So are you ever going to tell him?”

  Lily lifted a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. She hadn’t worked that out yet. “I don’t even know for sure yet. I could just have the flu.”

  “Pfft. Right,” she said. “You have to tell him.”

  “Tell who what?” Jaxon asked as he showed up with the last box.

  “Nothing,” Lily said before Summer could jump in and tell him exactly what they’d been talking about. “Let’s go check out some of the booths.”

  “We’ll be back for chili,” Jaxon said, beaming at Summer.

  Summer basked in it, but shot a worried glance at Lily as they headed into the rest of the festival.

  Jaxon and Lily spent the day playing games and exploring the craft faire and buying a lot of things they didn’t need but couldn’t resist. Lily tried to shove the whole baby issue out of her head, but it seemed like now that she’d said it out loud to Summer, everywhere she looked she saw other women with babies, or pregnant women, or craft booths with baby clothes or cradles or other baby stuff.

  She’d never been more relieved than when they moved on to tour the farmer’s market. It was one of the biggest of the season. So many of the booths had samples of fruits, veggies, breads, sweets, jams, jellies, and other foods that by the time they returned to Summer’s place for chili, Lily was already full.

  Jaxon ate a loaded chili dog and moaned his appreciation until Summer chuckled, satisfied with his approval.

  When they finished eating, Jaxon pushed his plate away, wiped his face, and said, “What now?”

  Lily couldn’t help chuckling. “You’re like a kid at the fair.”

  “I’m having fun. Let’s go check out the amphitheater.”

  Music had played in the background all day as different bands and musicians took the stage, or the festival had broadcast music over the loudspeakers, but they still hadn’t managed to get over and listen.

  They strolled to the amphitheater, holding hands. It hurt to hold hands. But it hurt not to hold hands. Lily had already started to steel herself for when he left, but it hadn’t helped at all.

  She hadn’t told Summer, but she planned to wait until Jaxon left to confirm her pregnancy. She’d deal with the future after that. She suspe
cted Jaxon would go back to his life and she’d fade into his memory. If she was pregnant, she knew she’d have to tell him. She couldn’t be one of those women who hid a baby from its father. He deserved to know. But, back in his real life, it might seem less important. Maybe he’d visit his child every now and then. Write, send birthday and holiday gifts, call.

  She harbored no fantasy that somehow they’d have an idyllic life together. Music was his life and he couldn’t do that here. Food activism was her life, and she was committed to her causes and organizations in Houston. That left them at an impasse.

  Jaxon found them a spot in the shade and laid out a blanket they’d brought. An all-female group had the stage, singing something country.

  Lily sat on the blanket and Jaxon laid with his head in her lap. She brushed his hair back from his face, stroking her fingers through it as she listened to the music. He closed his eyes and smiled.

  “That feels good.”

  She froze. “I can’t do this anymore, Jaxon.” She choked on the words, they hurt so bad to say.

  “I’d ask you what you mean, but I guess I know.”

  “The fake happiness is killing me.”

  “It’s not fake. I’ve really never been this happy. I’ve just chosen to enjoy it while I can.”

  She pursed her lips in a sour line before saying, “Well, good for you. But my heart is breaking. I know you have to go, and that’s fine. Neither of us ever made any promises. But I can’t help having fallen in love with you, and I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt.”

  “You could come with me.”

  She studied his face—his eyes—to decide if he meant it, or if he just said it because it seemed like something he should say. That she’d just been thinking about it gave her chills of déjà vu. His expression convinced her of his sincerity, which only deflated her more.

  “I don’t think I can do that. I wouldn’t fit into your world the way you’ve fit into mine. Besides, I have important work here.”

  He took her hand in his and kissed the palm. “There are hungry people everywhere. They could all use your help.”

  She hadn’t thought about that. He had a point. But with all the traveling his band inevitably did, she’d never be in one place long enough to do anything useful. Then there was the maybe-baby. She didn’t want to drag a baby all over the world in a plane or a bus, from stadium to auditorium to whatever other venue he played at.

  “I don’t know how well that would work.”

  “Do you not want to come with me?”

  “Are you asking me to?” Her heart soared that he might flat-out ask. She’d told herself over and over it wasn’t practical, she couldn’t go, she had a life here. She tried to think of it as ripping off a bandage and allowing the healing to take place. But her raw, in-love heart wanted him to ask.

  “I want you to do what you want to do.”

  Her heart sank. He wouldn’t ask her. And why would he? It was foolish of her to dream about it. Each of them had separate, incompatible lives, and she knew that. It was silly to think otherwise. Before she’d met him, Lily had been pragmatic, no-nonsense, rational. Jaxon had turned her life and her heart upside down. It would take a while after he left, but she’d get back to herself, and get her life back onto an even keel, maybe plus one.

  Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was an idiot. It hurt like hell.

  He checked the time on his phone, then sat up and grabbed his guitar. “Before you say anything else, I have something for you.”

  He hopped up and took off for the stage. When he got there, he climbed the steps and grabbed the mic.

  “Hi everyone. I hope you’re enjoying the afternoon here at the festival.”

  He received some lukewarm response from the crowd. Lily bit her lip and chuckled. He probably hadn’t had that little audience interaction in ages.

  “Well, I’m having a great time,” he said, soldiering on. “My name is Jaxon. I’m going to play a song for you I wrote just recently for an amazing woman. It’s called ‘Loving Lily.’”

  Lily’s mouth fell open in shock as he launched into the opening chords. It started slow and soulful, then built into a kind of rock ballad that sounded good even on an acoustic guitar. She could imagine it with a full band in a big concert.

  The lyrics spoke to everything they’d experience together—the joy, the power, the desire, the bittersweet. It murmured to her heart, whispering tempting promises that dared her to drop everything and run away with him. To tell him her secret and hope they could be a family.

  He was very good—at writing, singing, and performing. She understood why millions of women—fans in general—mooned over him. By the time he’d hit the middle of the song, he even had the crowd at the festival mesmerized. If they hadn’t paid him any attention when he walked on stage, he sure had it now. People clapped along, some had got up to dance, but everyone’s eyes were on the stage.

  He had a gift.

  He’d given a piece of it to her.

  Right before he planned to leave.

  CHAPTER 12

  Jaxon strolled into the studio in Los Angeles, ready to work. He felt alive, energized, and confident. This album would be even bigger than the last.

  If only he could stop thinking about Lily. It had only been a little over a week, but he had no experience with this kind of thing. How long did it take to get over being in love with someone?

  He moved through the lobby and into the bowels of the building. When he entered the outer part of the actual recording studio, he ran into Cory and Marco. Through the glass he could see Simon on his keyboards.

  “There he is,” Cory said, dragging Jaxon into a bear hug. “We missed you, man.”

  “Right,” Jaxon said. “Like you didn’t all scatter to the wind and live it up.”

  Cory shrugged. “Okay, speaking for myself, I missed you. Not enough to sit around and mope about it, but I noticed you weren’t there.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “Yo,” Marco said. “Are we going to do this? Simon’s been in there warming up his nimble fingers and driving me ape-shit crazy with his neo-techno-whatever-the-hell crap he’s playing.”

  “Y’all have had a chance to read through the songs and music, right?” Jaxon asked, ignoring Marco’s grumbling.

  He’d given everything to Mike when he got back to town, and Mike had distributed it to the guys.

  “Yeah, we looked at it. It’s good stuff,” Marco said.

  “I like it,” Cory said.

  Jermaine entered the room with a donut and coffee. He grinned when he saw Jaxon. “My man,” he said.

  “Hey Jermaine. How’s it going?”

  “Good. The new songs are good. It’s a different sound, but good.”

  “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had an epiphany of some sort while you were on retreat,” Cory said. He raised his brows in a question, as if he expected Jaxon to spill.

  Instead, Jaxon just shrugged. “I just needed some time away.”

  “So how was the kooky caretaker?” Marco asked, hitting closer to the target that Cory had taken aim at.

  “She was hot, wasn’t she?” Jermaine asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

  Yes, she was. He missed her. There had to be a way for things to work. But no matter how he turned it over in his head, he couldn’t figure it out.

  “She was nice,” he said. “Can we get to work? Where’s Mike?”

  “Nice? That’s it?” Marco asked.

  “She musta been old, or ugly, or lesbian or something,” Jermaine said.

  “Actually, she was a gorgeous little ginger activist,” Jaxon said, acknowledging a protective need to defend Lily. “And she was nice.”

  At that moment Simon popped his head out of the studio area and in his crisp British accent asked, “So are we going to make some music or what?”

  Thank God for Simon. Otherwise, Jaxon might have made more of a fool of himself.

&nb
sp; Mike followed shortly behind Jermaine with his own coffee and donut, as Marco and Jermaine were headed into the studio.

  “Just stop playing that weird shit,” Marco said, following Simon.

  “Good to see you Jaxon,” Mike said. “By the looks of it, the retreat was just the ticket.”

  “Yeah,” Jaxon said.

  Cory gave him a suspicious side-eye, and grabbed him by the arm. “C’mon. Let’s make some music.”

  They flew through recording, and four months later—with a week break to visit family at Christmas, while trying not to think about being in Houston and not seeing Lily—after all the mixing and post-production and whatnot, Jaxon was pretty damn proud of what they’d done.

  They were two days away from debuting some of the songs at their next concert, but Jaxon couldn’t summon his usual pre-concert excitement. He wished Lily could be there to see it.

  “What the fuck is up with you?” Cory asked.

  They sat in the living room of Cory’s beach house in Malibu, just the two of them, drinking beer, eating pizza, and playing video games.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve been different since you got back. You’re distant, and broody. More serious. If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were sad.”

  Jaxon didn’t think he’d come across as sad. Maybe distant and serious. He’d thought he hid his feelings better than that. “Sorry.”

  “Sorry? Jeez, what really happened to you in Houston?”

  Cory was his best friend, and after his brothers the one person he should be able to talk to about anything.

  He took a leap of faith and hoped Cory wouldn’t laugh at him. “I met someone.”

  Cory nodded, maintaining his focus on the game, taking Jaxon’s announcement in stride. “She the one all these songs are about?”

  “They’re not all about her.”

  Cory snorted and paused the game. “Dude, they’re all about her. You fell in love.”

  “No, I didn’t.” His denial was half-hearted at best. And a big fat lie. “Okay, fine. I did. But I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve never been in love.”